Radio Show “Sexual Healing: Moving from Shame to the Sacred (Part II).”

Posted on May 10, 2012 by

Here is the archive for yesterdays (May 9 2012) radio show: “Sexual Healing: Moving from Shame to the Sacred (Part II).” I am happy with it! and its tone.

How can we create sexual innocence? What is Sacred Sexuality? How do you heal sexually? What is right for you, right now, on that path of sexual healing?

http://www.thedrpatshow.com/shows/drp-120509-kane.mp3

Teaching about sex and sexuality is not something I ever wanted to push myself to do – it is something that the universe has pushed me to do. I thank the many people who have helped me be more sensitive in discussing sexuality; those who have had the courage to share themselves, ask questions, and ask me to teach more about it; and those who have helped me get the courage to talk, listen and teach about it.

In Truth, Simplicity and Love,

Peter

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Releasing Defense, Creating Peace

Posted on May 1, 2012 by

People often claim to be listening when what they are really doing is calculating a rebuttal. Although their rebuttal may be valid, responding to someone in a defensive way only escalates relationship conflicts. People want to be “heard” and to feel heard they need to be “felt” as they express themselves. If we can be truly present and feel someone as we listen, we create space for people to resolve their own feelings. If we respond in a rational or defensive way things escalate because it encourages further reactions and response from the other. As we react and respond to each other we are not listening or being present. Things escalate and feelings don’t transform or release, instead they grow with increasing negativity. When a conversation is filled with explanations, rational ideas or defensiveness, the emotional presence required for a more magical transformation is absent.

First, lets acknowledge ourselves as pioneers on a path of learning to express ourselves and tell the truth. Most of us were trained to avoid conflict, be quiet or subservient, and suppress our feelings. It can be challenging to face our feelings and even more challenging to share them in a constructive way.

Listening requires us to slow down and be with what is being said, instead of thinking or calculating a rebuttal. We may fear we’ll forget to say something important. If discussion is needed it is best to save that for later. Our time to express ourselves may come later in the same conversation or it may be another day. It is also important for us to bring up our own issues at a more neutral time, instead of “piggy backing” and interjecting our issues into another’s expression as a form of defensiveness.

Defensiveness stems from the fear that we might be wrong or flawed in a deep way. It will be necessary for us to address our unconscious feelings of inadequacy, invalidation, and shame. Our birth scripts, family histories, and other overt abuses result in our defending ourselves in an attempt to prove our worth or innocence. This defensiveness, is felt by others as our fighting, and as if we started the fight.

Defensiveness is generated by our protecting ourselves, our old hurts, and our vulnerable inner-child. When we defend ourselves and discussions escalate into arguments we are not even noticing that we are feeling hurts. It is as if we get hurt but only allow ourselves to feel it for a fraction of a second. Instead of dealing with the hurt we instead rely on our more rational, defensive or adult aspects to come to our aide and respond. When we communicate this way we are unaware that the other person will feel attacked by our defensiveness. They will feel our warrior while we are feeling our vulnerability but are unaware of how aggressively we are defending it. It is as if two warriors are communicating on behalf of our vulnerable inner children and things escalate. The solution is to love each other enough to simply listen to each other’s hurts.

It is only after we can communicate without defensiveness that we can begin to address the deeper issues and triggers. This is one central theme of my book and my work – to let go of the polarizations that create distance as our issues and personalities trigger each other. The nature of relationships is that we will inevitably be in relationship with someone who possesses some traits and energies that are opposite ours. At first we like the differences, and later we judge them and defend ourselves against them.

The process of working through our relationship issues will be aided by anything that helps us slow down and address our true feelings. This includes counseling and also taking “time outs” to reflect on what we are really feeling. We need time to let go of the fight or flight issues that create increased conflict. Remembering that we love or appreciate someone will help us let go of our defensiveness and help them feel heard.

May we all have the strength to communicate patiently,

Peter

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Internet Dating Part V: When to Hide Your Profile

Posted on April 17, 2012 by

Here is the last installment on Online Dating. Perhaps I will soon combine all five into one article or appendix to my book. Blessings, Peter

While I have coached my clients about how to best use online dating sites for many years it was only a few years ago I tried it for myself. I have only used Match.com a few times since and each time I would only have my profile visible for a week or two. A few of the times I pulled my profile because I had met someone with whom I was pursuing a relationship. Other times, I hid my profile because I wanted privacy – I felt sensitive to having my profile seen in the community and wanted to reduce the chances of my clients seeing it.

Of all my opinions and experience with online dating, when to hide or remove your profile, is probably the area where my feelings have changed or expanded the most. At first, I nearly felt that if I kissed someone that I should hide my profile (and vise versa). As a man who has a strong investment in being sexually appropriate and respectful, I certainly felt that once I was clear that I wanted to be lovers with someone that I should remove my profile. I also felt vulnerable if the other person kept their profile visible when they were seeing me.

I was once even offended and hurt when someone with whom I had a strong second date (which included some kissing, and plans to see each other again soon), seemed to be very active online, or as Match said “online now.” I had another woman whom I became lovers with keep her profile up, and when I asked her about it she said ‘she wanted to be monogamous but she also felt we should be opened meeting other people….. And, if she did become lovers with someone else that she would not expect to continue seeing me.’ She did take her profile down soon after, only to put it back up again weeks later. While I am not the most jealous person in the world I did instinctively knew to look for her profile, and when I saw it, I discussed it with her and told her I could not go “deep” with someone who was “shopping.” Her Facebook page seems to indicate that she was shopping for someone with more discretionary income than I had. :-)

I had another two-month relationship with someone I met on Match.com end when she put her profile back up without telling me. When I asked her about this, she said ‘that’s how I meet friends.’ I promptly ended that too.

So, what is right for you? What do you need? Here are some variables I think it is helpful to consider:

-Hiding or removing your profile may help to develop trust.

-We also need to move as slow as we can, and some people may feel pressured of suffocated if you remove your profile.

-Discuss this with the person you are dating and be clear on what it all means to each of you.

-Try to not behave like an addict that is always online. That’s not sexy.

-Remember that we can’t trust Match.com’s clock or what it really means to be “online now.”

-Consider minimizing the time you go online by: Not responding to emails that don’t interest you; Saving or printing profiles that interest you so you can look at them again without being online; Doing all your correspondence once or twice a week; and moving to regular email with people you are communicating with ASAP. I am guessing the validity of these ideas would vary from site to site, and would change over time as these sites change. Do you do these? What else?

-Additionally, I think it is best to not have your profile up for long periods of time. The first week I tried Match, I had a very sweet woman tell me ‘Peter, you don’t want to keep your profile up for too long, it is weird seeing the same people over and over.’ As time went on I definitely noticed this too. There were times when I wasn’t seeing anyone and would look at profiles, and I would see the same people over and over. In general, I think most of us are less likely to trust these people. We are apt to view them as players or serial daters.

-Remember your worth. It might be a good thing if the person you are dating is still online. It might help them realize how amazing you are.

This last idea speaks the most to what has evolved for me about online dating and when to hide or remove your profile. I have relaxed a bit. How someone deals with their profile and how they communicate with me would still be a key to my trusting them (See Internet Dating Parts I-IV). I would also remember to be impeccable, congruent and integral with your own participation. But also try to relax and see life as a global village of friends, who in this case, are trying to find a pen pal, friend, lover or partner.

And as a central theme of my book says:

May we all have “The Strength to Want.”

Peter

http://www.PeterKane.org

Posted in Book: The Monogamy Challenge, Communication, Goals, Intimacy, Online Dating, Relationships, Sexuality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Radio Shows – Relationships, Transformation, Breathwork and More.

Posted on April 9, 2012 by

Peter is doing a series of radio interviews with Dr. Pat. These shows are available live in Seattle and KKNW 1150 AM as well as numerous other stations nationally. You can also listen on line or on archives. Here are some links to archived shows. The most recent show is listed at the top of these. Listening from the bottom may offer the best sequence.

April 20, 2012: “Sexual Healing: Moving from Shame to the Sacred”

http://www.thedrpatshow.com/shows/drp-120420-kane.mp3

March 28, 2012: “Changes: From Birth to Earth”

http://www.thedrpatshow.com/shows/drp-120328-kane.mp3

This is a great show. We talk about about various issues about how we perceive change – from how we fear it, crave it, to how we long for a quick fix. This show helps us be present and embrace our life as a ‘continuum of change.’

March 7, 2012: ”Resolving Relationship Triangles Part II”

http://www.thedrpatshow.com/shows/drp-120307-kane.mp3

January 25, 2012: “Moving Beyond Relationship Triangles”

http://www.thedrpatshow.com/shows/drp-120125-kane.mp3

November 16, 2011: “Core Beliefs: Monogamy and Intimacy”

http://www.thedrpatshow.com/shows/drp-111116-kane.mp3

October 19, 2011: “Breathwork and Resolving Core Beliefs”

http://www.thedrpatshow.com/shows/drp-111019-kane.mp3

September 15, 2011: “Breathwork: The Deepest of Body Centered Healing”

http://www.thedrpatshow.com/shows/drp-110915-kane.mp3

August 24,  2011: “Self-Soothing: A key to Successful Relationships”

http://www.thedrpatshow.com/shows/drp-110824-kane.mp3

July 28, 2011: “What Triggers You?”

http://www.thedrpatshow.com/shows/drp-110728-kane.mp3

June 16, 2011: “Attracting and Ideal Partner”

http://www.thedrpatshow.com/shows/drp-110616-kane.mp3

May 26, 2011: “The Trouble with Sex and Relationships”

http://www.thedrpatshow.com/shows/drp-110526-kane.mp3

October 27, 2011 “The Monogamy Challenge: Creating and Keeping Intimacy” A one hour show on Voice America. (this is a better version of the first show Peter did with Dr. Pat in May 1011)

http://www.voiceamerica.com/episode/57224/the-monogamy-challenge-creating-and-keeping-intimacy-with-expert-peter-kane

March 6, 2011: “Creating Intimate Monogamous Relationships” Peter and Dr. Pat at the Northwest Women’s Show.

http://www.thedrpatshow.com/shows/drp-110306-kane.mp3

Posted in Abundance, Birth and Death, Book: The Monogamy Challenge, Communication, Goals, Gratitude, Grief, Holidays, Interviews, Intimacy, Online Dating, Pre and Peri-natal Psychology, Relationships, Sexuality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , | 3 Comments

Internet Dating Part IV: Establishing Trust:

Posted on February 27, 2012 by

As I said in part three – I recommend avoiding “interviewing” when you meet someone online or otherwise. But some people do ask a lot of questions, mostly because they are insecure and not present with the natural flow of getting to know someone. Asking questions is a fair way to try to establish trust. I have often said that the purpose of communication is to learn to understand each other so we can feel safe enough to love and trust each other. But “interviewing” is this gone overboard, and it is not likely to leave us feeling more trusting after a first or second meeting. But how do we learn to trust someone? This is a huge question, even if we don’t meet on a dating site.

Answer: move slowly and resolve your own issues.

Moving slowly creates space to learn about the other person in a more natural way. Taking the time to communicate via phone or email before a first meeting can expose people who are prone to getting distracted by the next “shinny new” person. It can expose people who are primarily looking for sex or money. It can give us a chance to learn about someone without subjecting the connection to the pressures of “The Fantasy Bond” (see Internet Dating #2 Getting Beyond the Fantasy or Chapter 23 of my book) or of anxiously asked questions. Moving slowly gives us more opportunities to see if someone is likely to be who they say they are, and it gives us time to self-soothe and work with, own, and resolve, our own trust issues!

Regardless of the relationship or how you meet, it seems that we all know that it is good to move slow, but in many ways few of us do move slowly. I think it is also valuable to notice that most discussion of moving slowly seems to be focused on not having sex too early. But what about after we make love? I think we should continue to try to move slowly after becoming lovers too and get to know someone without rushing too far forward. It will help if we continue to give the relationship and the person room to be themselves and evolve with us.

Another powerful aspect of trust is about learning to be truthful and authentic yourself. You can’t be aware and feel someone else’s misrepresentations when you are busy covering up your own. Notice how many people are complaining about other people’s deceptions, fear of people who are players, lying about age, relationship status, and more? If we are avoiding a hard truth about ourselves we will be less able to sense things in others because the energy we are spending selling our own selves results in our not being present to what the other is sharing (or not sharing) with us. Share honestly and you will attract more honesty.

And lastly, the ultimate in trust is in trusting your own worth. Relax into your value and you will have greater trust in others to do the same. Self-Soothing, Self-Soothing, Self-Sooooottthhhhiiiinnnngggg….

To soothing our wounds and trusting that we are valuable,

Peter

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Internet Dating Part III: Coffee Anyone?

Posted on January 26, 2012 by

Have you ever had a blind date? That’s what internet dating is, a self arranged blind date. Do people still have blind dates? In either case, coffee seems to be the agreed norm for a first meeting. The simplicity of coffee helps you get a first impression without spending unnecessary time and effort. Personally, it has been important to me to express care and interest by offering a woman more “real date” choices and like “Coffee, Lunch, or Dinner.” She can then decide how simple of a meeting she would like.

In my experience of online searching (internet dating) this kind of chivalry has also resulted in some awkward moments, like the time I was sitting in a restaurant window waiting to have brunch with a woman who I had yet to meet. I saw a woman who looked similar but about 15 years older and 30 pounds heavier parking outside the window. I slowly realized it was probably my date and I considered escaping out the back door of the restaurant. I remained, and did my best to respectfully share and pay for a nice brunch with a divine soul.

So yes, there is nothing wrong with a simple amount of communication and a simple coffee. I have even heard of a rather extreme ground rule which suggested only a 20 minute coffee, followed by a mandatory 3 day waiting period before following up to see if a real date is mutually desired. Now that’s one way to get your “people pleaser” out of the equation!

 

When You Meet

Try not to interview (or be interviewed). Keep the name, rank, and cereal number, questions and statements to a minimum at first. Avoid sounding like you are trying to learn about their relationship difficulties, how crazy, or how prosperous they are. Instead, communicate more organically and have conversations involving life, interests, activities and feelings. This will include learning things about them, but don’t ask too many questions. It is better to be interested in depth about a few things than get a superficial picture of their entire life. Also, if you are talking about each other’s experience on Match.com at a first meeting it is a sign that you are not connecting. You can figure out if they have been online dating for over 10 years later, that is, if you see them again!

 

How Many People?

Create the space to get to know someone. It is not really possible to get to know more than three people at a time. I have heard it said that you should communicate with no more than three people at a time for the purpose of dating one. I think this means try not to write and or schedule meetings with more than three people at a time (or during a given week). So, if you need a spreadsheet to remember people, you are probably talking to too many. And no notepads! Treat people like real people and you will be more apt to attract honest and real people.

What makes a first meeting work best for you? Have you ever speed dated? How much do you like to talk/write before meeting and why? I would love to hear your thoughts. I will be continuing with part IV of this series soon.

To Courage, Trust and Patience,

Peter

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Internet Dating #2: Getting Beyond the Fantasy

Posted on January 19, 2012 by

Fantasy and The Fantasy Bond (Chapter 23 of my book) are important issues to address in all relationships, but fantasy may be at its highest in Internet dating. It is natural that as you read profiles you will be hoping that this person is “The One” or at least a suitable date, but how do you get from this fantasy to a real date or friendship? First, by working with your tendency to Fantasy Bond in general. Fantasy Bonding is the tendency to bond to the fantasy of who we need the person to be rather than the reality of who they are. In our need to have good parents, jobs, friends, or partners, we inevitably project ideals onto people and situations. Some of the hope and enthusiasm that is part of this is good, but it is fair to say that it is important to also work to be more grounded as a relationship is developing. The stronger we get on all levels, the more we will have skills at self-soothing and comforting our selves from within, the more we will be able to enjoy a new relationship with less tendency to rush into the projected fantasy that we have found “Ms Right.”

Connecting this to online searching is somewhat obvious. And, the problem with fantasy is exacerbated by others who may be misrepresenting them selves. Old Photo’s, lying about age, married men, people who are on the rebound and not available for the relationship they claim to want, women who just want a companion to buy dinner, men and women who just want flings or sex, the list goes on.

How do you sort through this?

Sometimes slowly, others by meeting quickly: I would say that a woman should never respond to a wink. Winks and Cut and Paste emails are simply a way to cast a broad net. We can’t assume that the broad net is because the broadcaster is married, a serial dater, sex addict, or has such low self-esteem that they are just trying to get anyone to respond, but the chances of these issues go up with winks and cut and pastes. So, if we respond to only inquiries that indicate the person has read our profile we are likely to be communicating with more of real person. (If you use cut and pastes yourself, I think that is fine as long as your are customizing each, and only writing people that you feel might be a fit.) I think the rules on this may differ for men and women because of the belief that relationships work best when a man does more initiating. So I think it is okay if women want to use winks as a way to ‘ping’ a man, and I would recommend men write back if interested. I do also think it is fine for women to write men (I should save the nearly vast and subtle topic of who initiates and how much, for another time). I also think it can be helpful for anyone to use a “favorites” feature as a way to indicate interest.

Next, is the issue of how much to write before talking and how much to talk (if at all) before meeting. I don’t think this is an either/or issue. There are pro’s and cons to each. Writing and or talking a lot before meeting can definitely be part of the problem with fantasy bonding. It can be a way that someone tries to create a connection before revealing a misrepresentation. But if we do little writing or talking first we also can waste an hour of our time meeting for coffee when we could have used writing or talking to discover more first. This can be further illustrated by noting that writing back and fourth a bit can expose the players. A player will not be as likely to keep an email communication moving.

The real key is for you to follow and understand your own preferences. Which is best for you? Communicating more or less before meeting? Once you meet it is important to continue to mitigate the effects of the fantasy bond and how to work with that will be the topic of an upcoming blog.

To the courage to reach for what we want,

Peter

Posted in Book: The Monogamy Challenge, Communication, Intimacy, Online Dating, Relationships, Sexuality | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment